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embarrassed myself several times by laughing at absolutely the exact
wrong moment, like when someone said his dog was dead and I thought
for some reason that he was kidding, and he really liked the dog. I
could have died. I've never gotten over having said that. Sometimes I
twitch with the sudden embarrassment when I remember it.
But it's not fair to punish someone for a nervous laugh. That's
like punishing someone for a hiccough. Of course, I couldn't explain
that to J. I couldn't explain anything.
I looked at him again. He was still looking at the fire. He
wanted me to do something, not say something. That was obvious, even
to a non-rocket scientist. I wiped more saliva from the side of my
mouth. I was getting cold again, so I got up to go into the bedroom
for the comforter. I looked at him to see if he objected. He didn't
even look up. I was at liberty to do anything I wanted. Sort of.
While I was getting the comforter, I noticed the bedside table
was open; it was where he had gotten the blindfold. The drawer had a
heap of chains and leather and padlocks in it. I wrapped the comforter
around myself and after another mournful glance in the mirror, went
back out. God, I looked awful. He glanced up, but said nothing.
I sat down again. My jaw was starting to ache a l
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